The Matchmakers' Play
by Voice Number Seven
Summary: Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer are up to it again, although this time they have an innocent goal and innocent methods, even if it doesn't look like that to everyone else. One shot.


**The Matchmakers' Play**

Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer are up to it again, although this time they have an innocent goal and innocent methods, even if it doesn't look like that to everyone else.

Cats does not belong to me.

The Rum Tum Tugger's eyes narrowed as he watched Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer play with the kittens, trying to get them to do… _something_. In recent memory, there was absolutely no instant in which either of the good-for-nothing twin cats had shown the slightest bit of interest in the kittens. They kept to themselves as he did to himself, mostly, so he supposed he might not have caught on if they _had_ shown interest. He wasn't interested in criminals, so much as he liked frustrating the humans and cats around him. It was quite an amusing pastime, after all.

Unlike whatever the twins had going on there. He rounded the group, keeping a careful but curious distance. Several others had already approached, eyes gleaming in the darkness. The kittens were getting tired, but the twins had not lost faith as of yet. In fact, the two seemed to be having more and more fun. He even had to admit it was beginning to get interesting watched them.

That is, it was interesting until Rumpelteazer jumped over, pulled him into the group, grinning widely, and teased, "Join us, Tugger! You have to play Growltiger!" Her strong accent made the name sound almost unrecognizably strange, but he understood all the same, and definitely did not want to do as she spoke. Besides, the Rum Tum Tugger didn't obey anyone but himself and his wants and needs. Rumpelteazer was mad if she thought he'd simply go along with this.

Besides, Growltiger's story was just so old. He wasn't in the mood to be disgraced by such a stupid idea. After all, the old cat had died because he'd been distracted by a lady. The Rum Tum Tugger didn't get distracted; he _was_ the distraction.

"Oi! And Bombalurina's gonna be Griddlebone!" Mungojerrie yelled as he pulled said cat into the ring of the kittens, too.

The Rum Tum Tugger froze. Well, if Bombalurina was going to be his metaphorical mate…it couldn't hurt to pretend, could it? He grinned at the queen, who lifted an eyebrow and glared at him, something about her expression cheeky.

His tone matched her expression as he conceded, "I'll do it if Bombalurina plays the great Lady Griddlebone." He swept a bow, and winked at the queen before him.

His words played perfectly onto the kittens and the twins. They paraded to the cat and began begging, pleading. He could've sworn he heard Mungojerrie threaten her with a bit of blackmail if she ruined his play. The cat shushed them with a sweep of her arms and screech, then lifted a paw to her lips to signal them silenced. She thought, and thought, and thought. It took her long enough, too, but finally, she placed her paws on her hips and scowled at the Rum Tum Tugger.

"At least I don't die at the end," was all she said, and everyone knew that was her way of agreeing.

As she stalked off, presumably to find someone to rant to, the kittens and the twins burst into celebration. The Rum Tum Tugger found himself being pushed away so the twins, the "writers" of the play, could "write" and plan properly.

"Exactly how is this supposed to work?" Bombalurina asked, approaching the Rum Tum Tugger.

He looked over to her from where the twins were talking to Mr. Mistoffelees. He was still amazed the not-quite-a-kitten, not-quite-a-cat conjurer had actually agreed to help out. Perhaps he shouldn't be, considering Victoria, one of the Rum Tum Tugger's adoring fans and the magician's sister, was the narrator of the twins' play.

"No idea," he admitted truthfully.

Surprise flittered across her face so quickly he knew she was having trouble hiding her surprise as things were. As she opened her mouth, he shook his head, interrupting, "No, I'm not telling you why I'm going along with this devious plot."

"It isn't devious, and you know the 'plot' already, Tugger!" Rumpelteazer had obviously overheard, as her glare, shot like a bullet in his direction, suggested if her words hadn't.

He chuckled. "She's got good ears."

Bombalurina glared at him. "I agree with you on one of the two points."

"Care to explain, Queenie?"

"It does seem devious," she acknowledged, still glaring at him with her moonlit eyes and the scowl almost permanently glued to her face. "But I think you should tell me."

"Get used to disappointment, Bombalurina," he informed her lazily, and ignored her in favor of watching Mungojerrie lecture Victoria and Rumpelteazer show the other kittens how she wanted them to move. Mr. Mistoffelees watched them, too, until he caught the Rum Tum Tugger's eyes. While the queen snorted and left, the conjurer approached him, only to be greeted by, "It seems more than two of us are participating against our will."

The black cat nodded slowly. "An exchange perhaps. I tell you about my participation if you allow your reason to slip past your lips?" he suggested, watching the kittens rather than looking to his "friend."

"Not a chance, Quaxo."

"You are a terrible bore, Tugger."

"You are a phenomenal cat, but honestly, this is something I'd rather keep to myself. You know what secrets are, don't you?" The bigger cat fixed a look at the magician that might have had a more fearful cat meowing and running for the hills.

But Mr. Mistoffelees kept stock still, seeming not to notice the look. "Secrets are what keep us living our lives the way we do. If our secrets came undone, even if a single secret came undone, things would go horribly wrong here. Everything would be thrown into utter chaos."

The Rum Tum Tugger grinned.

"But this is not that kind of secret, as far as I can tell." The small cat's gaze grew hard in the Rum Tum Tugger's face.

He only patted the black cat on the head, replying, "And that, my dear conjuring cat, is why you are still a bit of a kitten," before he sauntered off.

"Okay! Okay! Everybody gather round!"

"OI! You, too, you two over there!"

Bombalurina, the Rum Tum Tugger, Mr. Mistoffelees, and the kittens surrounded the twins.

"Okay, so we talked to some people—"

"—mostly Munkustrap—"

"—and we are going to do our play at the Jellicle Ball, in front of everybody, so it's gotta be real good!"

The crowd was in uproar. The kittens mewled and meowed in panic. Mr. Mistoffelees protested pleadingly with Mungojerrie. The Rum Tum Tugger protested loudly, but not to anyone in particular. Bombalurina was the only who was silent, rather, stunned so.

The twins waved their paws in an attempt to quiet everyone.

"Calm down, cats!" Mungojerrie yelled.

Rumpelteazer held out her paws, trying to calm Victoria, who was simply a shuddering thing of white fur. "It's okay, sweetie, it'll be fine. Ain't that right, Mungo?"

The other cat nodded. "Yep. I mean, we got a while yet. And our stars are used to being stars, ain't you guys?"

The Rum Tum Tugger and Bombalurina froze, seeing as all eyes were cast on them. Most were hopeful, a few worried, but the twins looked downright dangerous. The message was clear. Something very, very bad was going to happen if they messed this up. The Rum Tum Tugger finally understood what it meant to have the weight of the world pressing down on him, in the metaphorical sense. The literal sense would probably come if he and Bombalurina _did_ happen to mess up.

"Oi, listen up you kittens!" Mungojerrie pushed the kittens into a group near Mr. Mistoffelees' boat. Of course, he'd had help from a few other cats, but it was his boat because…well, it was the magical Mr. Mistoffelees.

Bombalurina glared at the Rum Tum Tugger as he watched, not bothering to help. He enjoyed being star of the show too much. That was probably why he'd agreed to partake in this anyway, although dragging her into it really had been a surprise. The thing that bothered her the most, however, was that he was actually sticking to this.

The Rum Tum Tugger didn't stick to a choice. He changed his mind faster than a cat might blink or swish his tail. He didn't continue on a solid path. He never wanted what he was given, and even when he was given everything, he wanted nothing. If he was given nothing, he wanted everything. As many cats did, he wanted what he did not have, but his want changed depending on what he had. If he was given what he previously wanted, he no longer wanted it.

There had to be something wrong with that cat.

Her glare tightened as she tried to figure out exactly what was wrong with the cat.

"Oi, Bombalurina! You're up!"

She squeaked at Rumpelteazer's strangely commanding voice, but bounded over nonetheless. "What's the line I have to listen for?" she asked the other cat.

"'In the forepeak of the vessel Growltiger sate alone\Concentrating his attention on the Lady Griddlebone,'" Victoria recited excitedly. Then, she informed the two cats, "I like the rhyme."

"You got that, Bombalurina?" Rumpelteazer asked the queen.

She nodded. "I just jump onto the boat next to Tugger, right?" The director twin nodded, grinning. "Sounds simple enough. Then what?"

"Nothing much," she shrugged. "You just stare adoringly into each other's eyes and pretend you're singing something together." She glanced at her notes. "Oh, and when the line, 'Disposed to relaxation, and awaiting no surprise' comes up, you have to kiss."

"WHAT?"

The screeched was in unison from two very shocked cats. Rumpelteazer and Mungojerrie just looked pleased with themselves. Their plot had begun successfully.

Unfortunately, it took several nights of persuading to talk the two cats into doing it. There were two reasons why Bombalurina gave in, in the end. Firstly, a very common human saying was "the show must go on" and this show had to. Secondly, she really was just a bit entranced by the opportunity. Hearing from Rumpelteazer that the Rum Tum Tugger had already given inmade her agreement seem all the sweeter.

They kissed in rehearsal, a soft, sweet connection that blew her mind despite everything.

His voice was soft, so as not to be heard by anyone but her, when he admitted, "Doing this damn play was a pretty good idea."

Just a short little oneshot to practice for any _Cats_ fanfictions I might cook up. I've been pretty obsessed in the past few days.


End file.
